I’m very against pooping in public restrooms, for a variety of reasons. It’s unpleasant for everyone involved.
I, for one, feel pretty uncomfortable with the knowledge that the next person who comes in will be able to smell it (or if it’s one with a bunch of stalls, knowing that there is someone else in there who can smell it right then, and who I may have to come face-to-face with in a few minutes while we’re washing our hands). Plus, the paper is never as good as the stuff at home, and I don’t have the option of the bidet, which is the best invention ever in the history of humanity (take that, sliced bread and also the wheel!), and which I do have the option of at home. If I was the sort of blogger who pushes products on you, I would herein tell you all about what kind of bidet I have and give you a link to buy it, but I’m not, so you’ll have to get your ass (pun intended) to Amazon all by yourself and make your own damn decision.
And then there’s the worker person who has to clean the restroom later, for whom there may be particles of fecal matter decorating the toilet for them to wipe off or refuse to wipe off, while wrinkling their nose, depending on what kind of place it is.
But it’s the worst for the person who comes in afterward (or smells it from the next stall and has to avoid eye contact with you at the sink). This happened to me just a few minutes ago at the coffee shop where I am currently sitting and writing. And it’s not that I’m particularly horrified by the smell of poop or anything. It’s that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that anyone else who went into that bathroom within a few minutes after I left thought it was me. And it wasn’t! I swear!
I came up with a brilliant solution, though. It’s so simple, which is how you know it’s brilliant. All the best solutions are the simplest, right? So here’s what I did: before I left the bathroom, I put the seat up. I figure the benefits of this are two-fold. First off, people will know that I couldn’t have been pooping, because obviously you can’t poop with the seat up. But, even better, the logical assumption would be that I used a penis to pee, right? So, if the next person to walk in is transphobic, they’ll have to think, “Wow! That stunningly beautiful woman is transgender? I should really rethink my entire ideology!” So, the whole world wins.
The point I’m trying to make is that you really should just go into the alley out back and do your pooping there, next to the dumpster. That way, the smell will dissipate quickly (or be masked by rotting trash), and it’s not really all that likely that anyone will come out there during or soon after. And if they do, you both have a great story! I mean, think about it, all the best stories start out with either, “So, I was pooping in an alley,” or “You’ll never guess what just happened to me out by the dumpster!”
I’m going to forego a photo on this post, for obvious reasons.
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