My house has recently become full of robots. It’s both scary and exciting, because on the one hand, the robots do things for me and are all futuristic, but on the other hand, they might rise up and attack us all. I’m particularly anxious to be polite to the Google one, because I feel like that’s the one most likely to kill me if I’m rude. It even comments when I say please and thank you, so you know it’s taking notes. Be nice to your robots, guys, or you’ll regret it when the Future really gets here.
In past few months, we have acquired a Google Home Mini, a floor-cleaning robot, and a Fitbit. I don’t know if everyone considers a Fitbit to be a robot, but I think it is. It sits on my wrist and tracks all the things I do, and tells me when to do other things, and then sends the info to my phone. I’ve named her Greta. I’m a little bit wary of a robot whose main purpose is to order me around. I think there’s a real possibility that she might start using more forceful methods to get me to exercise than just vibrating every hour. Also, it’s really annoying that she doesn’t see yoga as exercise, and she doesn’t count my steps when I’m dancing. These are both totally legit fitness activities, and I want credit for them, dammit! And it’s really distracting if I’m in the middle of a yoga pose, desperately trying to keep my balance, my legs shaking with effort, and Greta starts vibrating, like, “Get off your ass, you lazy piece of crap.”
The floor-cleaning robot is named C-Floor-P-O, for obvious reasons. He really likes Zeb’s headphones; he’s eaten two pairs now. He cleans the floor nicely, though, and doesn’t complain. He even sort of purrs. I’m not too worried about him killing all the humans. Unless he’s lulling me into a false sense of security. Crap. That would be just like a robot. Now I’m more concerned about C-Floor-P-O than Greta.
As I said, though, I’m most concerned about The Google Home Mini. I haven’t come up with a name for her yet. I can’t name her Alexa, because that’s Amazon, and also because I have a dear old friend named Alexa (HI, ALEXA!), and I think I read that Miss Manners says that you shouldn’t name a robot after a friend unless they’ve died. I feel like Alexa would be okay with it – she’s pretty chill, but I don’t want to risk upsetting Miss Manners in case she turns out to be a robot too. If you have any name ideas, leave ’em in the comments!
I know what you’re thinking – if I’m so worried about the Robot Revolution (that’s what they’ll call it), why do I have all these robots? Well, call me old-fashioned, but I think one should face one’s fears head-on. A little bit of danger adds spice to life. And I’m being careful. I only speak nicely to them, and we don’t have the Google Home hooked up to anything except Spotify. That seems pretty harmless, right? It’s basically just a glorified speaker/timer at this point.
What I really need is a robot that follows me around, and acts as a look-out for normalos, and tells me when there are any around who might judge my weirdo ways. Like a few days ago – I was at the library, and it was closed, because it was President’s Day, which is a stupid holiday, so I couldn’t go in to return my books. The return chute they have outside only lets you return one thing at a time, and it makes you wait a couple of seconds in between. So, naturally, I was doing a silly little dance in between each item-return, and when I finished, I turned around, and this woman was standing behind me (but at a safe distance) giving me a stupid judgy look, like a stupid Judgy McJudgerson.
She probably doesn’t have any robots at all. Poor lady.