The Grave Consequences of Not Finding Pants

As a bookkeeper, I interact with the tellers at the bank every day, and my favorite teller, Jessica, is in the middle of an epic quest to find pants.  It would seem that this crusade * has been most difficult, and complicated by the fact that she dislikes shopping, like some sort of un-American communist traitor.  She’s been to multiple malls, shops, and thrift stores, and still the Pants *** elude her.  And so I started wondering, “What is the worst case scenario here?  What could happen if she can’t find any pants??”

Anything.  Anything could happen.  This weekend, in desperation, she’s planning to hit up Dress Barn.  This sounds terrifying.  Just think how many maniacs there are who go into Dress Barn, fooled by its name into thinking it’s a depot of clothing for their farm animals, and are dismayed to find goat frocks nowhere in sight.  I mean, these are people who dress up their goats – Goat Dresser-Uppers if you will.  Gresser-Uppers, in fact.  Any one of these psychopaths are liable to snap at any given moment in time, particularly when foiled in their attempts to obtain animal costuming.

Let’s say Jessica is in the Dress Barn, perusing Pants when a Gresser-Upper – let’s call her Fran – realizes she’s in the wrong place.  Fran will most likely be sporting the latest in modern collapsible scythe technology, folded up in her chicken-shaped purse.  Fortunately, or so it will seem at first, she will be in a completely separate section of the store, so Jessica will escape Fran’s initial rampage.  She will emerge from the Pants section to witness a bloodbath, as Fran lays waste to the Pajama section, sending entrails and sleepwear flying about.

Jessica, being your typical action-hero-bank-teller type, will immediately run to the aid of the wounded, pulling out her medical kit as she does so.  As she tends to an injured woman, Sylvia, a stray platform shoe will strike her in the forehead, knocking her into a coma.  She will slump to the floor next to Sylvia, who has just returned from a journey to a remote region of Siberia.

When the paramedics arrive, they will take Jessica to the hospital and attempt to revive her.  She will sink deeper into her coma, lying for weeks without moving.  Finally, her agonized family will decide to pull the plug.  On the day they are gathered around to say their goodbyes, Jessica will suddenly open her eyes, sit up, fall back down because of atrophy, and begin to shriek for brains, having picked up the zombie virus from Sylvia, who got it from the Siberians, who didn’t know they had it because it’s dormant in the cold.

So, now Jessica is going to start the zombie apocalypse, just because she couldn’t find any decent Pants last weekend at the mall in Salem.


 *Note: Initially, I used the word “quest” again here, but then it felt repetitive, so I looked it up in the thesaurus to find a new word, and accidentally typed it twice, and ended up thesaurusizing “thesaurus.”  The synonyms for “thesaurus” are reference book, glossary, lexicon, onomasticon **, terminology, and vocabulary.

 **WordPress doesn’t think “onomasticon” is a word, or at least thinks doesn’t know how to spell it.  It’s not keen on “thesaurusizing” either.

 ***I feel like at this point in the pilgrimage ****, a capital letter is appropriate.

 ****Another word for “quest.”

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