I was getting out of my car the other day, and I saw a thing in the back seat of another car, and I was like, “Oooooooh, is that a samurai sword??” But it wasn’t, it was a stupid baseball bat or possibly a softball bat. Best case scenario, it was a pickleball bat, but I feel like that’s being overly optimistic, because life is usually pretty disappointing.
But then I got to thinking. I would be much more into sports if more of them featured samurai swords. So maybe I should invent one. Samurai Ball. It’s gonna be a thing. Here’s how you play (starting with rule two, because I already told you rule one above):
2. Yeah, I know in Fight Club the second rule is also not to talk about it, but Samurai Ball is going to be significantly more relaxed than Fight Club and also have better uniforms. The second rule of Samurai Ball is to split into two teams. This will be a complicated process, in which everyone will count to three, and on three will either jump in the air or squat to the ground. The squatters will be one team and the jumpers the other, but if there wasn’t an even number of jumpers and squatters, then you will need volunteers to change teams. These volunteers will close their eyes and spin around until they fall down. They will join whichever team is standing closest to them when they fall over. If the teams are still uneven, repeat this process as many times as necessary.
3. Flip a sword to see who swords first.
4. The team that wins the sword toss will get the ball first. The ball will be made of tumbleweeds. The swording team will appoint a joddlehopper, and then crowd into a huddle, facing outward, with the joddlehopper holding the ball. The other team, the sword defenders, will form a loose circle around them. In between the two teams, there is a circle of samurai swords on stands, with the points facing the swording team.
5. Everyone counts to three, and on three, the swording team begins to pass the ball around the huddle, until someone decides to throw it onto a sword. The defending team can now come into the circle of swords, and tries to prevent the ball from hitting the swords (and also to avoid impaling themselves on the swords).
6. Defenders cannot touch the ball with their hands.
7. Once the ball has hit either a sword or a defender three times, the teams switch, for the top of the swording. There are thirteen swordings in a game.
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