That Blurry Line ‘Twixt Vampire and Mosquito

The Matrix-port mosquito bite is gone, which means either it was just a mosquito bite, or (more likely) the robots managed to smooth over the glitch that was allowing me to begin the process of waking up.  I’m pretty impressed with myself that I managed to maintain the memory of the glitch, though, because presumably the robots would have tried to suppress that.

I have a new bite, though, on the side of my neck, in exactly the spot a vampire bite would be.  This means one of two possibilities.  Option one is that mosquitoes have evolved to home in on arteries, allowing them to suck more blood from each human, thus enabling them to bite fewer humans and reduce the chances that they’ll get slapped and killed.

Or, and this seems like the likeliest explanation, vampires have evolved to the point that their bites are indistinguishable from those of mosquitoes.  I bet the newest ones don’t even have the pointy teeth – I bet they have a retractable pokey-nosey thing like a mosquito!  I just googled it, and it’s called a proboscis.  SCIENCE!  The new vampires probably have a proboscis instead of fangs.  It retracts into their nose, just like the old-fashioned vampire fangs retract.  And now vampires can bite humans without anybody getting suspicious, because we all just assume it’s a mosquito bite.

We live in terrifying times.

 

This is no longer an accurate representation.
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

 

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Brain-Eating Zombie Geese

I went to Costco the other day, like you do.  And I parked at the far end of the lot, like I always do, partly because I want the exercise, partly because I don’t want to take close spots away from people who can’t walk as far, but mostly, if I’m being totally honest, because Costco is gigantic and full of people and I need the walking time to repress my anxiety before going in, and to calm myself down after leaving.

So, I was walking down this pedestrian aisle thing they have betwixt the parking spaces down the middle of the lot, and I suddenly realized that I was about to run into a pair of geese.  But not the usual Canada geese – these looked like domestic geese, and they were freaking HUGE.  At the time, it seemed like their beaks were about even with my shoulder, although a quick look at the picture I took belies that.  But at the time, I believed them to be some kind of giant super geese, and I know that geese are sometimes trained as guard animals to protect chicken and duck flocks on a farm, so I gave them a wide berth, and continued on my merry way.

Brain-Eating Zombie Geese At Large

Upon finishing my shopping, as I was wheeling my cart back to my car, I saw that the geese were still there.  And this time, they were looking at me.  I tried to steer the cart around them, but they followed me with their beady-eyed stares, and then one of them stepped forward, toward me.

And that’s when I realized that there was only one explanation for their presence in a Costco parking lot, far from any farms.  They’d gone rogue, contracted the zombie virus, and were after my brains.  Clearly, they had eaten the brains of the good folk who had raised them from eggs, fed them regular goose food, named them Fluffles and Betsy, and given them the best life a goose can have.  From there, they had worked their way through the neighboring farms, and then, finally, realized that they’d have more food in town.

I gave a high-pitched sort of squealing noise, and moved my cart off of the aisle completely and into the parking lot at large.  Fortunately, since I park really far out, there weren’t any cars driving by at the moment, and I was able to escape without rushing out in front of a speeding car full of bulk bargain shoppers.  As I frantically pushed the cart, as fast as I could, around the parked cars and cart corrals, and to my car beyond the geese, the one who had stepped forward made a haunting and terrifying sound – something along the lines of, “Hrgggghhhhaaaaaaawwwwww.”  The call of the brain-eating zombie goose.

I made it to my car okay, loaded my groceries in as quickly as I could, and sped off.

I braved Costco again today.  The geese were gone.  I assume Buffy took care of them.

 

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