I went to Costco the other day, like you do. And I parked at the far end of the lot, like I always do, partly because I want the exercise, partly because I don’t want to take close spots away from people who can’t walk as far, but mostly, if I’m being totally honest, because Costco is gigantic and full of people and I need the walking time to repress my anxiety before going in, and to calm myself down after leaving.
So, I was walking down this pedestrian aisle thing they have betwixt the parking spaces down the middle of the lot, and I suddenly realized that I was about to run into a pair of geese. But not the usual Canada geese – these looked like domestic geese, and they were freaking HUGE. At the time, it seemed like their beaks were about even with my shoulder, although a quick look at the picture I took belies that. But at the time, I believed them to be some kind of giant super geese, and I know that geese are sometimes trained as guard animals to protect chicken and duck flocks on a farm, so I gave them a wide berth, and continued on my merry way.
Upon finishing my shopping, as I was wheeling my cart back to my car, I saw that the geese were still there. And this time, they were looking at me. I tried to steer the cart around them, but they followed me with their beady-eyed stares, and then one of them stepped forward, toward me.
And that’s when I realized that there was only one explanation for their presence in a Costco parking lot, far from any farms. They’d gone rogue, contracted the zombie virus, and were after my brains. Clearly, they had eaten the brains of the good folk who had raised them from eggs, fed them regular goose food, named them Fluffles and Betsy, and given them the best life a goose can have. From there, they had worked their way through the neighboring farms, and then, finally, realized that they’d have more food in town.
I gave a high-pitched sort of squealing noise, and moved my cart off of the aisle completely and into the parking lot at large. Fortunately, since I park really far out, there weren’t any cars driving by at the moment, and I was able to escape without rushing out in front of a speeding car full of bulk bargain shoppers. As I frantically pushed the cart, as fast as I could, around the parked cars and cart corrals, and to my car beyond the geese, the one who had stepped forward made a haunting and terrifying sound – something along the lines of, “Hrgggghhhhaaaaaaawwwwww.” The call of the brain-eating zombie goose.
I made it to my car okay, loaded my groceries in as quickly as I could, and sped off.
I braved Costco again today. The geese were gone. I assume Buffy took care of them.
Want to see more of my writing? Hit the shiny Patreon button.